The Fresh Prince vs Vampires

I Am Legend (2007) – In cinemas now

That’s probably a poor choice of headline, seeing as the film being reviewed here is nowhere near as interesting as said headline may make it seem. There’s certainly no rapping, hilarious quips or, arguably, any vampires. But we’ll get to that later.

I Am Legend is the sophomore effort from former music video director Francis Lawrence. Lawrence’s first film, Constantine, was a rubbish adaptation of the rather brilliant comic book Hellblazer, which saw a blonde, charasmatic, witty Liverpuldian being turned into black-haired, monotone American Keanu Reeves, paragon of plank-based technology. With I Am Legend, Lawrence turns this startling abiltiy to ruin perfectly good source material to Richard Matheson’s classic 1950s story of the last man on earth.

The last man in question, Dr Robert Neville, is played by the Fresh Prince himself, Will Smith. Under most circumstances, Will Smith could have been the least convincing movie scientist this side of the Arnold Schwarzenegger in the 1994 ‘comedy’ Junior. However, this is Will Smith in acting mode – as previously seen in 2003 biopic Ali and last year’s The Pursuit Of Happyness – so he is, relativley, convincing.

No quipping, no cheesy smiles – in fact, very little humour at all. None, in fact. At all.

This is probably because, in this film, there is very little for old Wills to make jokes about – he is, after all, the only human left alive, since a viral infection turned the rest of the world’s population into vampires. Neville (Smith) stalks the empty streets of New York by day, his trusty dog Sam by his side, hunting deer, talking to mannequins and looking for supplies. It’s actually a very well acted study of a man’s slow descent into madness – which, as Neville hasn’t had any human contact in three years, is understandable.

However, while these scenes are well acted, written, lit etc. etc., once the good doctor returns to his home base, has boarded up his doors and windows and retreated to hide in the bathtub with a rifle, does the film start to falter. It’s mainly due to the vampires attacking the walls of Neville’s house every night.

Well, I say vampires. That’s what they were in the book. In the film, they resemble little more than pale, skinny slapheads, who are averse to sunlight. Sort of like bald goths, then. Bald goths rendered in absolutley God-awful, sub-Playstation 2-cut-scene CGI. It’s soon after the first encounter with these night-walkers that the film starts it’s steady descent downhill, picking up speed at each ill-advised plot turn and rubbish special effect. Which is quite disappointing, really, for a film with so much potential.

Then, the film just ends. Will Smith wanders about a bit, sees some vampires, tries to come up with a cure, and then the film ends. Nothing else happens. Well, some stuff happens, but it’s fairly inconsiquential. The it ends. It’s the most anti-climactic ending since the I went to see Fantastic Four on holiday, and the print broke ten minutes in. It’s like getting halfway along a session of good old fashioned self-abuse, when, suddenly, your hand falls off. Or blows up.

And Will Smith didn’t even do a song about fighting vampires, or nodding your head, or whatever, over the credits.

If the story of I Am Legend intrigued you, however, I’d recommend either eading Richard Matheson’s original book, tracking down the BBC Radio 4 reading of the novel, or downloading the Vincent Price-starring 1960s adapt The Last Man On Earth, which you can get, legally, from the Internet Archive.

Just don’t, whatever you do, watch The Asylum’s 100% unrelated, not-at-all-a-cash-in film I Am Omega. Just because it stars Mark Dacascos doesn’t mean it’s going to be good. And that’s an important life lesson, I think.