A lobotomised goldfish. With boobs.

Resident Evil: Extinction
On DVD now

This film is really stupid. Really, really stupid. It’s stupefyingly stupid. Resident Evil: Extinction is the cinematic (and I use that term loosely) equivalent of a lobotomised goldfish. With boobs.

Somehow, when I first saw the trailers for it, I was somehow suckered into getting excited about it – zombies! In the desert! Milla Jovovovovovovovich chopping ‘em up! The schizophrenic gal out of Heroes! Awesome!

(Yes, I thought this despite the fact that the first two Resi films were shite)

Then I went to see the film. And it was bad.

The film opens with Milla driving around the desert (somehow the zombie virus has, uh, killed the world. It would have been far more entertaining if the world turned into one giant zombie. That Ms Jovovovovovovovich would then fight), when she runs into some hicks who decide, for some reason, to kidnap Milla and stick her in a cage with a badly-CGI’d zombie dog. Maybe they’d seen Ultraviolet.

Eventually, after somehow developing psychic powers (making her about as powerful as Jesus, if not more so) our intrepid heroine meets up with a CONVOY of retards, who drive trucks around and sometimes get attacked by zombie crow. And then decide to kill them with a flamethrower, which inevitably goes out of control, instead of, uh, hiding.

All seems well – they drive along, singing songs and spitting tobacco into buckets (or whatever truckers do) – but they don’t know that the sinister Umbrella company, who released the virus, and made Milla, are following them. I don’t know why. Apparently they want to take over the world – despite the fact that it consists mostly of zombies and sand. And traumatised teenagers who change their name to “K-Mart” because that’s where she was found by the convoy.

“K-Mart”? Really? If you had the chance to change your name, you wouldn’t change it to bloody K-Mart. You’d change it to “Dr Awesome MD” or “Professor Robocop”, or somethin. Not fucking K-Mart.

So, that’s all pretty on par with the absolute idiocy of the other two films.

Oh, but also, at one point the CONVOY come across a big old shipping container. And decide it’s a good idea to open it and look inside (I don’t even know where they’re driving to – or why). Guess what? There are zombies inside! Dropped by Umbrella! Christ knows why!

And someone gets snuck up on by a zombie. HOW THE HELL DOES A ZOMBIE SNEAK UP ON YOU? Basically, a zombie somehow manages to climb on top of the shipping container, tip-toes along, then jumps on some lady with her back to the container. What the hell, man?

And the only good character dies! That awesone black dude from the second film, who was driving around in a low-rider, running zombies over! I can’t even remeber how he dies. Maybe I just don’t want to admit he’s gone.

How can this film be so stupid? Really? It’s not hard to get the formula of zombies+girl in hot pants wrong, is it? Then again, when you get a film written by Paul WS Anderson (persumably for crayons), you can’t expect too much, eh? Expecting  ole’ WS to make a good film is like expecting a racoon to ski.